Bali/NewZealand: Eat Pray Loving Me – Integration
HAPPY SOLSTICE!
I’m four months home from my Bali trip and moving into the frenetic energy of summer and the holidays. The insights and wisdom I gained about myself have deepened and it’s been a process of putting into practice all that I learned, ie INTEGRATION.
Gosh golly gee, it’s been a little like Disney’s Mr. Toad’s Wild Adventure, zigging and zagging, moving into the light and then back into the dark, laughing at the wonder of it all, and sometimes crying with the realization that the frustrations will continue as I click through another round on life’s spiral to encounter the next wave of challenges and lessons. The path towards liberation is not for the faint-hearted. One must go through the fear and pain to come out the other side.
These past months have been the best in a while with a nice steady even state of being. I’ve been happy and centered and feeling my wise woman energy coming through. Insights gleaned and lessons learned:
- Little Kathy/Big Kathy: During my eight months of breathwork sessions, I connected to my little Kathy – the little girl inside of me who has childhood wounds, unmet needs, and a wide array of emotions. Big Kathy had been disconnected from Little Kathy for a long time. I’ve now learned to recognize the signs and the feelings of when I have a need that wants to be met and know how to ask for it clearly and/or to self-parent myself with compassion and tenderness. SELF-PARENTING – a really big topic and something that needs to be taught to all adults. The world would be much different if everyone had the tools to practice conscious communication and deep self-love.
- Reduction of anger: What initially drove me to seek help with a breathwork practitioner was to help me with my highly reactive unhealthy anger. I’ve been imprinted with the notion that anger is normal and a way to deal with conflict in relationships. I’m quick to lash out when triggered and not always very nice. It’s the little girl trying to protect herself and be heard. And it started to get out of hand as I’ve moved through menopause where I was feeling triggered and angry on an almost daily basis. It was a shocker to discover that anger often is a reflection of an internal need not being met and instead often gets projected outwards towards another with blame and shame. A wise teacher in Bali said “the way in which you experience your menopause and hormonal changes will be reflected in the amount of healing work you’ve done prior” – that was a big AHA! We have been very fortunate to work with a couples counsellor here in Christchurch who uses EFT – Emotionally Focused Therapy. Through only a handful of sessions, we both learned to identify our emotional attachment style, our conflict style, and understand how to connect emotions & feelings to unmet needs. I’m happy to say that my unhealthy ‘anger states’ are greatly, greatly reduced; I’m rarely getting triggered, and when I do, I pause, take a big breath, connect to Little Kathy, ask what it is she really needs, and when I feel ready, I come back to the other person (often Bruce) and attempt to communicate from my heart.
- Highly sensitive: I was directed to read “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You” by Elaine Aron. More AHA’s here and insights into my frustrations and fluctuating behaviors over the years here at Birdsong. I often feel ‘different’ from others as the person who usually needs more quiet, more downtime, and more alone time which has been difficult to get when our lifestyle is one that is filled with people coming and going and staying with us for long periods. Twenty percent of the population identify as being highly sensitive and I am one of them. I’m owning it. I now have boundaries and parameters which I can clearly state without feeling bad or guilty or wrong.
- Deep reverence: I’ve been taking shamanism courses through the Shift Network since July 2017 with don Oscar-Miro Quesada. He teaches the Pachakuti Mesa Tradition of Cross Cultural Shamanism. I am developing a very deep relationship with my mesa, our land, and the multiverse; I now employ a number of earth-honoring ritual practices which allow me to embody ayni/sacred reciprocity with all that is. I love my weekly classes with don O!
- Astrology Reading: While in Bali, Levi Banner did a ‘relationship’ reading for me & Bruce which gave me another level of understanding of what both my & Bruce’s dharmic paths are and a bit more understanding of our basic operating systems. One of the insights that struck me was Levi’s explanation of my Aquarian ascendant and related planets – that I have an innate need to be a ‘seeker & explorer’, to stand at the cliffs’ edge and jump off once in a while, and that I will always be on unyielding quest to understand and expand my Self.
- Softening of the heart: Through all of the above explorations, I’m experiencing a softening of my heart. I’m learning how to be more present and to stay in states of compassion and kindness.
From the outside looking in, I’m just Kathy. But from the inside looking out, I’m Kathy, the highly sensitive sensation seeking earth-honoring shamanic practitioner & goddess standing on my own cliffs’ edge and eager to go down my own rabbit hole. What an adventure with my very own self!
And it is time for another adventure. I leave for Bali on December 29th to attend a two-week training course on Shamanic Breathwork with Levi Banner. Yeee-hawwww
Blessings to all for a very peaceful & joyous holiday season and foray into 2019!
